BETA VERSION, October 2017
“I did not know him, I knew my idea of him.” ― Sharon Olds, Stag's Leap: Poems
I do a live internet show which is a partial verbal memoir. I discuss my life and talk about some aspects of my personal history and experiences.
In my broadcast, I try to gain new insights into a specific emotional saga and to achieve a greater perspective and understanding of my choices during a time when I was "catfished." And I was... for a long time.
I try to work through the confusion and to determine the motivations behind the behavior of the "other person" within the maze of many interactions that happened over the many years of a very bizarre period of my life.
During the journey, I remained quiet and allowed it all to unfold in great mysteries "behind the scenes." It was layered, complicated, and filled with great contradictions. The narrative in an explanation can be long and tedious because "the study" is detailed and involves a lot of inner work. And honestly, it is just not now worth the finger energy.
I did not love this stranger who I met in my show back in 2013. We interacted in my chat room during my broadcast back then and he "got inside my head" and was eventually able to convince me that his emotional well being and happiness was totally dependent on having me in his life on a computer. If I told him to "go away," he made me believe he was becoming self destructive.
I never saw him. He sent me photos of pictures that he said were of him, but they were clearly of different men. I sent cards to him and they were stamped "return to sender, address unknown." He created detailed stories and sagas about his life and after some time, I went down that rabbit hole. And to my bewilderment, I became attached to the interactions.
I try to work through the confusion and to determine the motivations behind the behavior of the "other person" within the maze of many interactions that happened over the many years of a very bizarre period of my life.
During the journey, I remained quiet and allowed it all to unfold in great mysteries "behind the scenes." It was layered, complicated, and filled with great contradictions. The narrative in an explanation can be long and tedious because "the study" is detailed and involves a lot of inner work. And honestly, it is just not now worth the finger energy.
I did not love this stranger who I met in my show back in 2013. We interacted in my chat room during my broadcast back then and he "got inside my head" and was eventually able to convince me that his emotional well being and happiness was totally dependent on having me in his life on a computer. If I told him to "go away," he made me believe he was becoming self destructive.
I never saw him. He sent me photos of pictures that he said were of him, but they were clearly of different men. I sent cards to him and they were stamped "return to sender, address unknown." He created detailed stories and sagas about his life and after some time, I went down that rabbit hole. And to my bewilderment, I became attached to the interactions.
This is not unusual and the curious case of "The Miranda Obsession" appeared in Vanity Fair in 1999. She seduced a slew of famous and powerful men including Billy Joel, Warren Beatty, Ted Kennedy, Quincy Jones, Robert DeNiro, Bob Dylan, Buck Henry, Richard Gere, Eric Clapton, and many more, all of them over the phone... and not one of them for a very very long time could confirm her identity or had even met her. She is called "the first catfish." And they talked to her for years over the phone about very intimate details of their lives.
My story was a deep dive into mind bends and will be incomprehensible to many of those who live in the real world within grounded mundane lives. This to them will be totally impossible to even understand. They function in a tangible world with activity consisting of visits to grandchildren, waiting for early bird specials, and bingo. In other words, a reality. That world. That snore worthy world.
But, there is a subterranean subculture of "night owls" who interconnect with each other on social media and who allow feelings for others in that world to marinate internally. They thrive in a different world. And those "kooks" will "get it." Just ask Sam and Gina.
This journey was not what Diane Keaton has called "the sweet anguish of love..." In my specific situation, I was enabling this man's "idea" of me... in all it's full-blown delusional glory.
The above photo: somehow that place became totally involved in where he always told me he went to get drunk when I tried to disappear or distance him.
You can't make this stuff up, but he certainly could. He even pulled others into his agenda... a woman who contacted me and told me I was "walking him to his grave." (His name is reacted)...
Yes, I could have blocked him, but he inserted himself more deeply into my life by becoming my videographer.... he was insidious in multiple ways and when you are being "gaslighted" by an expert you make excuses for the emotional abuse and think you are ahead of it when in fact you are controlled and manipulated and just a personal marionette for a catfish whose needs are being fulfilled along the way.
update: April 18, 2023. He is back. He left this message in the chat room next to my broadcast screen. What does anybody have to "endure because of" me? I never force any of the viewers to watch my show...
Regardless of the level of fame, these characters crawl out of the woodwork.
His "nickname" is redacted.
April 19th 2023, to be continued and ongoing....
When "Denise" came to my show last week and told me of her heartbreak after an online thing ended, I was dismissive. She has been married, has lived with lovers, and has two children. But her hurt and pain from this guy who she never met, and who I know from my show, was real. It hurts to be thrown away... even in cyberspace. Why is it so hard to actually have true connections and let friendships develop? So much gets in the way. I apologized to her yesterday.
A few years ago, I had fallen for "Jack" who goes on cam and actually was in a small way partially an inspiration for my book ROAD TRIPS which was written during a very solitary time when the pandemic was advancing and so was my fantasy world. Yep, cyber night crawlers do live in an alternate universe... a world of total limerence. But now, from where I sit, I feel I would rather be with them than sitting in some senior center playing Chinese checkers. Or sitting with a husband watching Lawrence Welk reruns.
