DOWN A PARTICULAR RABBIT HOLE

By using deep analysis and becoming very introspective, I was able to determine that from the ages of 9 to about 17 I was born a girl but identified as a boy. I was not a "tom boy." I was a boy. I was a transgender. This was me as a teen boy.

And as a boy, I loved other men. I suppose I was gay. I really at that time was not astute enough to even understand what was going on, to be able to analyze my strong desires which manifested as lucid dreams and woke fantasies and these longings were so strong that I entered into a world of day dreams in high school that took over my thoughts and resulted in me not even being mentally present during classes and I had very poor grades because I was not even paying attention to the teachers' lessons. I was in a world where I was a boy in love with Michael Landon and Paul Newman. 

But somehow when I reached the age of 23, I went back to identifying as a girl with still a preference for men. Is that possible to change and be so fluid? Enquiring minds may want to know... 

I now sit under an umbrella of no mercurial roads. At the end of the day, none of that past really matters. I realize that fixations and obsessions with desire are what Buddhists believe lie at the root of suffering.